I accidentally burped into my bong.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
