Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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