I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
