I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
