he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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