So drunk its hurt
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
