Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
