dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
