New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
