i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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