It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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