Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
