I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
