She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
