I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Welp...herpes.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
