party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
