im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
