I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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