Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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