Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
