remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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