Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
