I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
