I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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