I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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