Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
