i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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