I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
