Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
