So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
