Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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