you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
