We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm both gender and math confused
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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