Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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