It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
