seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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