Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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