i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
