Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
