yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
