guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
