tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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