My sheets look like a crime scene.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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