She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
