I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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