I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
