We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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