Operation Purity has been aborted
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
