My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
