The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
