I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
