i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
