my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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