i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
