she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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