I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize