Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
it's great music for shaving your balls
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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