I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
