I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
