I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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