i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
