I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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